she's back!
"You talk so respectfully and everyone loves ya/Behind closed doors/You're not nice anymore/I see it now/I wish I saw it before." Renforshort, "hate the way you love me"
Hi! Sorry about the unexpected absence. As previously mentioned, I took a creative writing class over the summer, and that took all of my writing energy. I also have been dealing with some health issues, and have needed to use my limited energy wisely. I am trying to get back into a regular posting schedule going forward, starting with today’s post.
What I have for you is scary to share, but it is an excerpt from what I wrote during the class this summer. Please note it is a first draft, barely edited, and so I understand there are flaws. Any positive comments are welcome, any critiques are not! Not because they aren’t valid (they absolutely are), I am just not willing to receive them until November when I start hardcore editing so that I can use part of what I’ve written for my grad school applications.
Without further ado, please see an excerpt from what is tentatively called Sweetie.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” Garett gripes. Looking down at my go to party uniform, a cropped top and ripped up paint splattered jeans, I can’t figure out why he’d have an issue with it.
“We’re going to a house party at Josh’s place. This is not a moment I need to look professional. We’re going to be surrounded by your old college buddies, drinking beer and probably playing dumb drinking games. Why do I need to dress up?” Especially considering he’s wearing a company-issued graphic tee and jeans. Our looks are equally matched. Plus, it’s been a long week— Garett has worked non-stop since our anniversary on Sunday. I’ve been slaving away on artist statements for various gallery show applications, and I just want to not feel like I have to try so hard to present the best version of myself to the world. I need to feel like myself and unwind.
“With this new division we’re starting, Josh and I have become business partners. I want him to see the best version of me and that includes how you look and act. Just please, will you change? For me?”
“Josh has literally seen me throwing up on the side of the street drunk; I don’t think his viewpoint on you is going to change over how I look at this one party. But fine. If it matters that much to you, I’ll change.”
“Be quick!” Garett hollers as I walk back into our room. Stepping into our walk in closet, the biggest perk of living in the Detroit suburbs over a big city, I stare at all the dresses and skirts hanging on my half. God. I don’t want to put on airs for once. Why can’t I wear my favorite fucking pair of jeans. I’m so tired of putting in effort. Garett presented this party as a chance to relax after a crazy week. I normally have strict rules about weeknight partying—too many college mishaps, but it felt necessary to do something this time around. Plus, it’s Thursday and I’ve already submitted everything necessary for this week’s deadlines.
An easy black dress is almost the same as my favorite jeans, right? Just as easy, comfortable, feels like myself? It’ll have to do. Grabbing my easy black knit mini off the upper hanger, I have committed to the look now. Fuck I need a different bra. And Garett probably also will care about my shoes, my studio sneakers are probably “too casual.” Sigh. Fine. I’ll grab my loafers. They fit like a glove, and they’ll look good with this dress, also you couldn’t pay me to wear heels tonight. I don’t need to tower over everyone else and look like I’m trying that hard.
Turning around as I change, I’m now faced with Garett’s never ending collection of polos and golf shirts. When did I become someone who loves a man who wears polos for fun? Who plays golf? I refused to sleep with frat guys in college for this exact reason. I swear Garett had better style when we started dating. I guess this is growing up.
Adding a swipe of lipstick and taking out my messy bun, might as well go all in so that Garett has nothing to complain about. Rolling my eyes where he can’t see me, I grab my favorite gold hoops and pull the final element of the look together. Checking myself out in the full length mirror; the messy bun managed to make my waves look better defined than I could’ve hoped. Although I probably should get a haircut, it almost reaches the small of my back. God this dress really does fit me perfectly, hitting my thighs at just the right spot so I still look hot without verging on slutty. Might not be what I wanted to wear, but at least I look damn good.
“Better?” I do a little twirl when I get back to the kitchen. Garett isn’t even paying attention, staring at something on his phone. That man is fully addicted to checking social media. He completely falls for the millennial assumption that it is the best way to be well informed. I think it’s stupid, but at least he wants to stay on top of everything.
Barely looking up, “uh huh, thanks sweetie, let’s get going.” He walks towards the door, not even waiting for me to reach him and not even looking up from his phone. Wow.
“Can you drive?” To his best friend’s house, so that he can get shitfaced drunk and I’ll be stuck being DD. So much for unwinding. Why does this party suddenly feel like the exact opposite of what I want to be doing? Garett promised a break for me, and I know he needs one too, so I shouldn’t be so annoyed, but, god, it feels so good to have a scapegoat for my frustrations and stress. Hopefully once I get a drink in me I’ll feel better. Maybe we can Uber home and I’ll pick up the car tomorrow. That way we can both relax. Yeah! It’ll be great.
Garett stares at his phone the entire 15 minute drive, not looking up or speaking once. I wonder what is so engrossing. He seems excited, rapid typing, and the occasional “Ooh yes!” being the only sounds I hear coming from him until we reach Josh’s front door. As we wait for someone to invite us in, he finally puts his phone in his pocket. I’m surprised we didn’t just walk in, but I guess Garett is on some formality kick.
He looks me over, noticing what I changed into, “You look gorgeous, sweetie, thank you for changing for me.” He leans down and kisses me right as the door opens.
Josh stands there, greeting us with a wolf whistle, “The love birds are here!” he shouts to the group assembled. Garett pulls him into the weird one armed man hug slap on the back thing that I will never understand, “Yo dude, did you see that the S&P is up 17 points YTD? I am living for this debate on Twitter about how bullish we should be going forward.”
“Dude I know!!” Josh pulls him inside, lost in conversation. Closing the door behind us, I follow.
Garett and Josh go straight for the fridge, grabbing two beers. Josh must remember that I’m also there, as he calls out, “Hey, Tina, grab Sylvie a glass of wine.” I kinda wanted to drown myself in tequila, but whatever. I meet Josh’s diminutive fiancée at the counter. She’s so painfully shy, and for some reason I feel like she’s terrified of me? Still can’t place that one. I want her to like me, but I don’t have the energy to drive the conversation. I hope I can extricate myself once I have my wine.
“I’ll take red, thanks Tina,” I say as I motion to her hand holding the bottle. She’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Why the fuck couldn’t I wear the same? Whatever. It’s not worth the energy to care. I’ll just feel over dressed in peace.
“We’re hanging out in the living room,” she falters, “me and the other girls…” Just get it out! It’s one sentence. Why does she have so much trouble talking to me? I’ve truly never been anything but kind to her. “If you wanted to join…” She hands me the glass of wine as she finally gets the last word out. At least she has a heavy pour.
“Maybe in a few. Thanks for the wine.” She nods and scurries away. Joining the rest of Josh and Garett’s friends’ wives and girlfriends in the other room. Seems like this is a gender-segregated event. How fun.
I need to center myself before I can deal with Garett’s finance bro friends. Plus, Tina and Josh have the nicest deck, perfect place to take advantage of this beautiful summer night and to get some peace. Hopefully sitting out there will help make this event feel less like pulling teeth. Sliding the door open, I notice someone else is already out there, smoking a cigarette—damn I don’t think I’ve had one since college, and a cigarette would be blissfully nice right now. I wander out anyways; it’ll still be quieter than inside, even if I don’t get to be alone.
Taking a deep breath, I smell the fresh scent of the lake mixed with the woody scent of tobacco. Leaning up against the railing, I admire the way the moon, full tonight, reflects on the water. Money really can buy anything. I’d live here in an instant if we could afford it. I guess that’s why Garett is going into business with Josh, trying to have the same kind of money. Stupid, in my opinion. Josh’s parents bought this place, with their parents money.
“Hey Syl.” Jumping, I’d forgotten someone else was out here. The lake views distracted me, and I completely lost myself in thought.
Aaron chuckles at my reaction; rolling my eyes, I greet him with just a nod. He offers me one of his cigs—American Spirit, some things never change. Taking it, I settle into the other Adirondack chair and lean over for a light.
For a few moments we smoke silently. I stare off into the horizon. I wish I felt this at peace all the time. Taking a deep drag, I recenter myself and my thoughts. As I breathe out, I attempt to clear the stress holding me so tight right now.
Aaron breaks the quiet, “Just like old times.” Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Constantly sneaking out of house parties to smoke when it all became too much.”
“Yeah except then you were bumming my cigarettes, and now I’m at your mercy,” holding up what he gave me moments ago.
“Back then I was just trying to get you to think I was cool, and now I have a bad habit I can’t break,” Aaron admits.
“Oh Aaron, you were never going to convince me you were anything but basic,” I can’t think of anyone I find more interesting or cool than Aaron Thompson, “But I’m sorry that I brought smoking into your life, I guess?”
Chuckling, “How have you been Syl?”
“Oh, I’m kicking ass. Obviously,” gesturing to the world around me, the party we’re both avoiding, the beautiful scenery, I emphasize the sarcasm in my words. “What about you?” When was the last time I saw Aaron? I miss out years of being inseparable. Him, me, and Andie, the infamous art school trio. Thinking on our pranks and antics, I smile. He and Andie are living their best NYC lives, and I’m stuck in Michigan, without them. I feel tears prickling in the corners of my eyes thinking about that last fight.
“Same old, same old. Enjoying visiting my parents and Michigan summer.” Pausing, he takes another drag, “You look good, Syl.” Finishing his cigarette, he stands up, heading back to the party. “It was good to see you. Really good.”
I watch him go. I let my cigarette burn down, staring at the growing embers, finally grinding it out. God, I miss him. I hadn’t known he’d be in town, but then again, why would he tell me? I can’t think of anything that hurt quite as much as losing his and Andie’s friendship. I don’t know what I would have done differently, but I wish I could change the outcome. But what’s done is done.
Fucking hell. Now I’m sad. I can’t sit with myself anymore. Hopefully the party will provide a reprieve from these emotions.
With one last deep breath, I stand up and head back in. My untouched wine forgotten on the chair’s arm rest.
Weekly Book Recommendations:
Books I loved from the Summer:
Notes on an Execution by Danya Kukfka
Look reading about a serial killer would not normally be in my wheelhouse. I have one great fear in life, and it is serial killers. I had to read this over the course of two days because that first night I stayed up nearly all night in fear. That being said, it is not a scary book! It is incredibly well written; focusing on the killer through the lens of various women in his life. Giving agency to these women and taking it away from him. I enjoyed it greatly, even with my fear.
New People by Danzy Senna
I had to read this for my class, and it is one of those books, to me, where the ending makes the book. I’m not going to spoil it, but the ending was truly incredible. Explores trauma around being mixed race in the 90s, fully recommend.
Yours Truly Abby Jimenez
A more traditional beach read to round this out. My favorite romance novel trope is enemies to lovers, and this delivers that beautifully! I also deeply enjoyed the ways they touched on anxiety, chronic illness, and divorce. I cried, but that’s my favorite pastime, crying to books.